"and then, mercifully, we die."
(rambly, vent-y, not proof read post ahead that talks about current world events, politics, religion, & death)
if you couldn't tell based on the title, this is a bit of a heavier post. i've been kind of mentally drafting it for awhile, including while i was trying to take a nap on my meds, which doesnt really seem to work even when i feel a bit sleepy. and sleepy i am, because i hung out with family yesterday and slept at around 1 o clock in the morning.
i feel like.. i've been watching the world be slowly burned alive or heat up in a pressure cooker ever since i was like, 12, and life flipped itself on it's head during the pandemic. it was a year or two of alot of despair and sadness bookended by some hope as the administration changed hands and briefly, i thought, things were looking up. personally, they have, and they are, alhamdullilah but theres always the lingering at the back of my mind that things in the world are just. wrong.
i worry about everything alot of the time, especially when im just having A Day where i need to cry and cry to God or my mom or whoever and let out all the emotions and worries and thoughts that had been plaguing my mind and then some. yesterday was one of those days, because i had tried to get all of my work done in a day, as per usual, which didn't happen, although a good chunk of it did get done. you'd think only having 4 classes would make my load lighter, and it did! but it still FEELS like A lot.
and i just.. i've been watching videos and things and even against my will getting posts and things shoved in front of my face that exude so much sadness and despair. and like people blame abuse victims instead of abusers, i find myself getting frustrated at the messengers. why is everyone so doom and gloom all of the time? everywhere i go? its a bit frustrating when im more in the mood to.. ignore it i guess, for some time, for my own sanity, and throw myself into some escapism to take the edge off. i find myself humbled whenever i judge people though, so i guess it makes sense that i found myself feeling sad not too long after. or maybe as a result of consuming posts about peoples woes. or all of the above.
its a systemic issue, im not dumb. the bigwigs have a innate greed that's fueling the.. EVERYTHING going on right now, and i feel a bit like i did in 2020, but in smaller doses. i hate to say that i've become apathetic, because regrettably, in some ways i have. i don't know where the line is drawn between normal person and person who wants things to change, even though i feel a bit helpless, and selfishly kind of don't want to give up whatever conviences and priveliges i currently retain in order to enact change, which is something i have to work on, i guess. i put alot of pressure on myself and simultaneously feel like i dont put enough on myself at the same time. im like a weird paradoxical person with a brain that always wants one thing, and once it has it, it asks "but what about the other thing?". when im relaxing i feel guilt about it somewhat, and when im not i feel sad that i didnt give myself the space to relax. it's quite annoying.
im a girl with hormones, im sure thats contributing, though i need to better understand the different cycles of my period because its a bit annoying to guess and be left wondering whats contributing to how i feel right now, if anything's contributing at all. but then again, the human condition, for all of its logical intricacies and systems, is somewhat illogical. our bodies and brains just kind of.. Are, and sometimes you can't really pinpoint exactly why. or you can, but it doesnt explain things 100%. in the margins is just the ebb and flow of our nafs (self) and our ruh (soul) going through the motions.
i want to be able to make a change in the world, and help people, and i feel alot of things. i often times feel kind of dumb in the real world where people dont care as much about not using ai or this and that thing and its a bit isolating. im also acutely aware of how hypocritical i am when it comes to these things. like in some areas of my life i handwave xyz but in others i dont and somethings are just non-negotiable regardless and its alot for ME to keep up with so i cant fault anyone for just throwing in the towel and letting everything happen to them instead of just fighting back because sometimes i do that too. if i become a teacher will i even be able to help someone, anyone else? or will these poor kids failed by the system not be able to comprehend anything because their minds have been reduced to little slot machines waiting for another reel to satiate them. i see myself in them. if i'd been born a few years later, i'd be one of them too.
i kind of want to scrub all the information about myself online and start fresh, in a sense, but not at the same time. i have a paper trail about myself and everything who i am on the internet going back to when i was a genuine child. i tried to apply the principles of that one cj the x video that ive watched atleast 4 times by now and i keep forgetting or half-remembering and not caring and im just kind of tired.
times like these make me remember my own religion. i know thats not lost on anyone who comes across these pages, i dont exactly make it a secret, nor do i want to. i know that makes me hypocritical as well because, despite myself, i get a bit uneasy about people prostelytizing about christianity on their own pages or profiles or whatever. i dont really know why to any concrete degree. and its not out of malice or prejudice either, i follow alot of creators that are openly christian and don't hide it either.
but thatnotwithstanding, i know that many other people who stumble across this page will have varying thoughts about spirituality and organized religion and what have you. you might think me naive or roll your eyes a bit or whatever.. which isnt to blame you for doing so. im not above doing that either in the privacy of my own home behind a screen. but it would be a bit foolish to deny that every person has a bit of 'spirituality' inside them, barely there, flickering in and out, or roaring brighter depending on who you are. when you face a life or death situation, you're compelled to call out to someone, ANYONE to help you. its just how we are. and when i find myself on an emotional ship about to capsize like this, i turn to religion. i make dua. i dont know what the point of me saying this is besides.. me saying it, but i guess that goes for the whole post. it wouldn't have felt right to me at this moment in time to write all this in my private journal where no one else would see it. but maybe later ill find myself embarrassed at the idea that i even thought to put this up at all and take it down. i dont know yet.
the thing that kind of spurred all this on and the posts namesake was a reply in a subreddit, one of many i follow. i cringe a bit at the fact that i used to make fun of my sibling for using reddit so much and now i do. i also worry sharing an anecdote like that will eventually lead someone i know in real life to find this corner of the internet i carved out for myself, a thought that makes ME want to carve my insides out a bit. its a frightening notion. anyways, someone replied to a post, one of many, many posts about how exhausting it is to live with adhd. i cant really remember the exact wording, i never can with these types of things, but it went along the lines of "we survive, we engage in our hobbies, and then mercifully, we die."
and maybe its just a me thing but i keep seeing that line of thinking in many spaces im in, even if its between the lines. or maybe its just me projecting. but theres just an emptiness in things that i cant shake anymore, even my own hobbies. its all fleeting, you know? our bodies will return to the soil we came from. its a fate that escapes no one, a truth that im reminded of everytime i hear about another person i knew of in the periphery who has passed away.
thats another thing that makes me remember religion. because, again, you might think it naive, but it just makes sense to me that this isnt all there is to our existence. it's not, and it wont be. death isnt the end of the book, just the end of the chapter. and this isnt a covert preaching thing, or whatever, i mean on some level i do want people to think more about their existence and become muslim because that, to me and my belief, is the right way forward, but thats just me. you dont have to listen to me or anything i say, i just wanted to be honest without pretense and not mince my words. because its the lense through which i see the world, i cant really pretend otherwise, even if i get a bit insecure about it despite myself.
<3